By Loud Atlas
Roll up! Roll up! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages! Come one, come all - yes, sir - even you! You too, madam, step right up! For one night only (and saved online for posterity), we welcome you to one of the most extraordinary, brashest, biggest bonanzas touring anywhere in the world - the Song Bar Circus!
Our first act tonight is one of the most exuberant of recent years - yes, folks - led by that triple-threat superstar dressed in his P.T. Barnum get-up, Hugh Jackman leads a stellar troupe from The Greatest Showman. They perform for you The Greatest Show. These are the runaways who are running the night, and the matinées too.
Whoa! Behold The Poster lovingly crafted by The Monkees - all the details you'll ever need. Oh, and please don't be put off - horses running round and round in a circle is far more exciting than it sounds!
We don't often approve of simplicity and understatement, but we'll allow it for one exception. We have marvellous metaphors presented to you by Nerina Pallot in her radiantly gorgeous ballad Circus.
For our fabulous fourth act, Jorge Ben has a brought his eclectic menagerie, among other oddities - you'll see a flute-toting vulture, an amphibious orchestra and a toothless lion. And have you ever seen a man eat a laser beam?! All will be revealed in O Circo Chegou ('The Circus Has Arrived'). For those not attuned to the Portuguese tongue, I present a handy handout.
Ladies and gents - yes, little Jimmy, you too - time to look to the skies as we present to you the fantastic funambulists! Watch them tentatively take to the tightrope with the Band of Holy Joy. That's right, folks, give them some encouragement: Funambulist We Love You!
We have the French-Canadian act Beau Dommage touring with us this week singing Le Complainte du Phoque en Alaska. ... Oh, there's no need to cover little Jimmy's ears there - 'phoque' is merely the French for 'seal'. We aim to educate as well as entertain, sir! To give it its whole translated title, it's 'The Lament of the Seal in Alaska'. We have a seal who has left her companion to balance a ball on her nose here - isn't she cute? We provide job opportunities as well as heartbreak! Again, here's a leaflet if you need help with the French.
Onwards! Earlier this evening, ladies and gents, I gave advice to a young man about his tickets - he didn't have a cent - so I gave him a job. Ah ha, there he is! Leroy Carr and Scrapper Blackwell have hopefully Carried Water For The Elephant.
Next up on our spectacular sojourn, we introduce you to The Clown of our circus! He's a colourful character - plenty of glorious greens, yeehaw yellows and oomphy oranges. A real happy guy. He's musically accompanied by our friends Charles Mingus and narrator Jean Shepherd. Enjoy his act, I'm sure it'll end well.
...Oh. But moving on...! Look over there up in the stands! While we tidy up a little on stage, allow Dave Davies to provide a final word on the Death Of A Clown.
We're a ferociously friendly bunch here, ladies and gents. We are - some would say - a bunch of freaks. In Cirque Dans La Rue, the Plain White T's will expound to you the virtues of our merry crew!
Alas, we come to the part of our show where we mourn the loss of one of our finest performers: our Human Cannonball, Emmanuel Zacchini Snr. In 1940, he flew through the air at 54 miles an hour, travelling an astonishing 175 feet. But 11 years later his career ended following a broken neck. Over to you, Loudon Wainwright III.
Now ladies and gents, you must forgive my bitterness at our next act. On our last trip to Mumbai (formerly known as Bombay), Nellie the Elephant slipped her chain and trundled off to the jungle. But tonight, she's here for a one-off dance with The Toy Dolls before she trumpety trump trumps off again! We wish her well. We've saved a fortune in peanuts.
And last, but by no means last, the final act of the evening is brought to you by Bruce Springsteen and the Seeger Sessions Band. The Man On The Flying Trapeze is the most amorous of creatures - lock up your daughters! That's right, little Jimmy, there's a seal in this one too - Bruce really does sing 'phoqueing'.
There are more acts to enjoy over in Tent B, but I've ran out of breath and hyperbole. Farewell and goodnight!
Tent A List:
Hugh Jackman and the cast of The Greatest Showman - The Greatest Show (Marconius7)
The Monkees - The Poster (Fred Erickson)
Nerina Pallot - Circus (OliveButler)
Jorge Ben - O Circo Chegou (pejepeine)
Band Of Holy Joy - Funambulist We Love You (TatankaYotanka)
Beau Dommage - La Complainte Du Phoque En Alaska (Marconius7)
Leroy Carr and Scrapper Blackwell - Carried Water For The Elephant (Nicko)
Charles Mingus - The Clown (magicman)
Dave Davies - Death Of A Clown (George Boyland)
Plain White T's - Cirque Dans La Rue (Fred Erickson)
Loudon Wainwright III - Human Cannonball (Jamesowen475)
The Toy Dolls - Nellie The Elephant (happyclapper)
Bruce Springsteen and the Seeger Sessions Band - The Man On The Flying Trapeze (Suzi)
Tent B List:
Circus Band - Entry of the Gladiators (amylee)
Fox - The Juggler (ShivSidecar)
Van Morrison - The Lion This Time (Fred Erickson)
Mark Erelli - Hartfordtown 1944 (Fred Erickson)
Tom Waits - Circus (OliveButler)
The Dickies - Killer Klowns (Carpgate)
Three Dog Night - Fire Eater (OliveButler)
Harry Nilsson - 1941 (Nicko)
Tucker Zimmerman - Upsidedown Circus World (TarquinSpodd)
Men At Work - High Wire (florian7)
Michael Fix and Mark Cryle - Man on the Wire (deanofromoz)
Ralph McTell - Clown (Nicko)
The Marx Brothers - Lydia, The Tattooed Lady (Vikingchild)
Guru's Wildcard Picks:
Some late - I mean "secret bonus guest" - additions to the bill tonight. They'll play you out. Safe travels!
The Hollies - Fifi The Flea
Floyd Bauler - Traveling Circus
Drew Nugent and Peter Evans - All My Pals Are Clowns
These playlists were inspired by readers' song nominations in response to last week's topic: Coming to your town: songs about the circus. The next topic will launch on Thursday at 1pm UK time.
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