By The Landlord
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Four Candles.
BARKER: No, four candles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks! - The Two Ronnies
'If we don't have it you don't need it’
You're looking for the tools to fix, specific or in general?
To screw or glue it, cake or tape it, long-term or ephemeral?
Welcome then to Song Bar's pop-up wire-nail-wood emporium,
the place to open doors and drawers, measure, treasure, thumb and plumb.
'If we don't have it you don't need it' – that's the way we like to think –
Buckets, brushes, rollers, paints – we'll throw in a free kitchen sink.
Polish, burnish? Varnish finish? Pliers, tiles, and miles of wires,
hinges, brackets, tacks in packets; strings of shelves sing out like choirs.
(takes deep breath ...)
We've got the plugs, the sockets, pipes, and every kind of work gloves, wipes,
knockers, doorbells, hooks and joints, copper signs in all font types.
Need lumber? Timber? Two by twos, by fours, by six, by eight or more,
Saws and sanders, plungers, flangers, locks for door and stain for floor.
Expert? Rookie? Job looks tricky? Hardware stores can blind with choice.
Stopper? Start where? Size? Which watt? It's sometimes hard to find your voice.
Assist? Resist. Advice or vice? What do I need? What have you got?
Pro and greenhorn then get trapped inside a patronising cross-wired plot!
But here we welcome all the skills with washers, staples, chisels, bevels,
meters, hammers, magnets, ladders – harmony with spirit levels.
So place your orders in the box to open music's many doors,
Pick your items, lyrics, titles – literal or metaphors!
[With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan].
This week’s expert song-to-playlist joiner at the shop counter is the always entertaining TatankaYotanka! So then, with deadline 11pm UK time on Monday, please nominate your hardware store-related songs below. And of course, here’s that Two Ronnies sketch in full …
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Fancy a turn behind the pumps at The Song Bar? Care to choose a playlist from songs nominated and write something about it? Then feel free to contact The Song Bar here, or try the usual email address. Also please follow us social media: Song Bar Twitter, Song Bar Facebook. Song Bar YouTube, and Song Bar Instagram. Please subscribe, follow and share.
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