By TatankaYotanka
A Hardware A-List:
So, after sleeping all night outside the Hardware Store – with Weird Al Yankovic (BanazirGalbasi) you’ll be given your bag of tools, oh, and the Book Of Rules by The Heptones (Nicko), but who the heck reads the instructions?
Pete Seeger has big plans and likes the versatility of his tool with If I had A Hammer (Noodsy), but sometimes you need a very specific equipment for a job, such as Monkey Spanner by Dave & Ansell Collins (pejepeine).
I think Noddy thought he’d found himself a fixer-upper but the man in the van has other ideas when Knocking Nails Into My House by Ambrose Slade (ShivSidecar), though maybe Mark E. Smith can help with the shoring up? A length or five of this might help? 2 By 4 – The Fall (Uncleben). The times I’ve blown the pointing out of brick walls with one of these as the song says “it makes cleaning destructive”!
And with Pressure Washer by Arrogant Worms (Marconius7), health and safety is so important with tools and materials, a basic introductory course could have avoided this situation of Barbwire (In His Underpants) from Nora Dean (TarquinSpodd), although I think this bit of kit is in safe hands: Crosscut Saw - Albert King (Marconius7).
I’m probably stereotyping but your German gear generally comes with excellent instructions despite the rather worrying name of the band in the context of this topic: Seven Screws - Einstürzende Neubauten (Vikingchild). And talking of quality, pay a bit extra and get one of these with calibrating screws for when it goes out of whack: Spirit Level - The Other Two (Vikingchild).
Power tool stopped working? Check the flippin’ Fuses with Stereolab (Loud Atlas). And if I’d been following the diagram I would have gone straight from fuses to Wiring from the World Saxophone Quartet (Banazir Galbasi), but the observant audients amongst you will notice that somehow I let King Tubby/Observers convince me to let him build a Zinc Fence (pejepeine) instead.
I don’t know about you but I often wonder what would happen if The Soft Boys, the Two Pale Boys and The Waterboys were all on the same building site? They’d probably discuss the under representation of women in the trades, or maybe they all just get along like a house on fire and Do The Chisel - The Soft Boys (Uncleben). On the other hand the foreperson might tell them to get on with it and tell Meg White to pass them each a Screwdriver - The White Stripes (Nicko).
Hammer time and beyond …
Breezeblocks - Alt J (ajostu) used to be made out of all sorts of crap and there are a lot of modern buildings that won’t last long because of them, especially where used in conjunction with Rusty Nails – Moderat (Uncleben). Now that cordless grinders are a thing, and not just for bicycle thieves, hardware stores are finding much less demand for thesem but I guess Fiona might lend you her set when she’s done with them Fetch The Boltcutters - Fiona Apple (tincanman2010). After 45 years on the brush, if I wanted to attract a woman like Fiona I’d still go for a splash of this, beats Lynx hands down: Turpentine - blink-182 (TarquinSpodd).
It’s a fact that the allure of a good hardware store can result in impulse buying, it’s why they put those screwdriver sets and tape measures near the till: "I'm a D.I.Y punk. I hit B & Q when I'm drunk". Yeah, I know the feeling Pete when you’re Screwed Down - Peter & The Test Tube Babies (Carpgate).
B&Q, Wickes, Toolstation, Screwfix, Robert Dyas; they’re all well and good but here in Dorking we lost Cummins last year, our traditional hardware shop where you could still get loose goods, the exact number of brass screws you needed for a job, the correct length of a piece of sash cord, or a little sign saying beware of the dog. Well, I say beware of losing these places, use them and enjoy them while you can. We opened with a big hardware listing song so let’s finish with the marvellous A Magnet Hung In A Hardware Shop - Gilbert & Sullivan/D’Oyly Carte Opera Company (ParaMhor).
A Hardware A-List Playlist:
Hardware Store - Weird Al Yankovic (BanazirGalbasi)
Book Of Rules - The Heptones (Uncleben)
If I had A Hammer - Pete Seeger (Noodsy)
Monkey Spanner - Dave & Ansell Collins (pejepeine)
Knocking Nails Into My House - Ambrose Slade (ShivSidecar)
2 By 4 – The Fall (Uncleben)
Pressure Washer - Arrogant Worms (Marconius7)
Barbwire (In His Underpants) - Nora Dean (TarquinSpodd)
Crosscut Saw - Albert King (Marconius7)
Seven Screws - Einstürzende Neubauten (Vikingchild)
Spirit Level - The Other Two (Vikingchild)
Fuses – Stereolab (Loud Atlas)
Zinc Fence - King Tubby/Observers (pejepeine)
Wiring - World Saxophone Quartet (Banazir Galbasi)
Do The Chisel - The Soft Boys (Uncleben)
Screwdriver - The White Stripes (Nicko)
Breezeblocks - Alt-J (ajostu)
Rusty Nails – Moderat (Uncleben)
Fetch The Boltcutters - Fiona Apple (tincanman2010)
Turpentine - blink-182 (TarquinSpodd)
Screwed Down - Peter & The Test Tube Babies (Carpgate)
A Magnet Hung In A Hardware Shop - Gilbert & Sullivan/D’Oyly Carte Opera Company (ParaMhor)
Ouch I Hit My ThumB Again List:
Take This Hammer - Leadbelly
Divine Hammer - The Breeders
Bloody Hammer - Roky Erickson
Orange Ball Peen Hammer - Mudhoney
My Heart Beats Like A Hammer - Fleetwood Mac
This Hammer - The Spencer Davis Group
Hammer - Bob Marley And The Wailers
Hammer And Nails - The Staples Singers
Hammer - Sarah Blasko
Hammer The Hammer - The Go-Betweens
The Hammer - David Rudder
Hammer Song - The Sensational Alex Harvey Band
White Hammer - Van Der Graaf Generator
Guru’s Wildcard Pick(axes):
Smoke Alarm – Perfect Giddimani
The Mousetrap (Caught In) - Peter Hammill
Come Home/Green River - David Thomas & Two Pale Boys
A Four-Candles Bonus Pack:
These playlists were inspired by readers' song nominations in response to last week's topic: Totally wired: songs about any items bought in a hardware store. The next topic will launch on Thursday after 1pm UK time.
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